Advertise Effectively . . .
...But FIRST ...
Some Truly HILARIOUS things NOT to
say . . .
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Doctor Dan, Advanced Technologies
Ad, Ad, Ad, Ad World
The average American consumer is bombarded with
hundreds of commercial messages a day, and some experts claim
that the average child sees and hears 100,000 pitches before
being old enough to attend school. Sometimes it seems that, in
these messages, both the sponsors and the advertising agencies
have abandoned the struggle to communicate clearly, washing their
hands of sense and meaning.
On a paper placemat in a Massachusetts
restaurant appeared this advertising atrocity:
NEWBURY STREET COIFFURE
An Alternative to Looking Good.
After tittering and scratching our heads for a
while, we can reconstruct what happened in the framing of this
Apparently, the good folks at Newbury Street
Coiffure meant to proclaim that their affordable prices afforded
an alternative for looking good.
But what came out was the message,
"Come to us and we'll throw gunk on your hair and pull some
of it out. And we'll charge you very little to do it!"
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on
the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the
cartoon and comic strips:
Saturday Morning 10:30 A.M. Easter Matinee.
Every child laying an egg in the door man's hand will be admitted
free. [Parsons PA paper]
We want your eggs, and we want them bad. Porter
[Display ad in the Le Roy MN Indepentent.]
LET' ALL MAKE THIS A BIGGER AND BETTER
Leave your garments at our main plant right on
your way to the fair.
[Ad in the Shreveport LA Journal]
Widows made to order.
Send us your specifications [El Paso TX]
The fact that those we have served return once
and recommend us to their friends, is a high indorsment of the
service we render.
PELTON FUNERAL HOME [Oshkosh Northwestern]
TOMBSTONE SLIGHTLY USED. Sell cheap. Weil's
Curiosity Shop [Philadelphia Inquirer]
Will trade fire, life, automobile insurance for
anything can use. Want lady with automobile. [Riverside CA
For sale to kind master. Full grown
domesticated tigress, goes daily walk untied, and eats flesh from
hand. [Calcutta India]
WANTED A boy who can take care of horses who
can speak German. [Parade of Youth]
Swap - Drink mixer, glasses, tray, etc for good
baby carriage. [Ossining paper]
Lost: small apricot poodle. reward. Neutered.
Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine foods
expertly served by waitresses in apetizing forms.
Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef
$2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with
thick legs and large drawers.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made
into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring
coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for
Now is the perfect time to get your ears
pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too!
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine
operators in factory
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and
produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We
do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this
miracle spray will make it really repellent
For Sale. Three canaries of undetermined sex.
For Sale - Eight puppies from a German Shepherd
and an Alaskan Huskey.
Creative daily specials, including select
offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.
7 ounces of choice sirloin, steak, boiled to
your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother
in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawney Port,
sold to pay for charges, the opwner having been lost sight of,
and bottled by us last year.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of
Vacation Special: Have your house exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris,
visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as
Moliere, Jean de la Fountain and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for
the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts,
comfortable beds and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A fift that every member of the family
appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but
so servicable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies
This is the model home for your future. It was
panned by Better Homes & Gardens.
For Sale - Diamonds $20,00; microsopes $15.00.
For Rent: 6 room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in,
$200.00 a month. References required.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda
fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be
willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the
Modular Sofas. Only $299.00. For rest or fore
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not
smoke or drink.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child.
Fenced yard, meals and snacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.
Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
Holcross pulletts. Starting to lay Betty
Clayton, Granite 5-6204
Wanted. Preparer of food. Must be dependable
like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in
cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children
requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be
capable of contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook
with round bottom for efficient beating
Mother's helper - peasant working conditions.
Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size,
unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and
adjust tension in your home for $1.00
And these beauties from the radio:
Ladies and gentlemen, now you
can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
Be with us again next Saturday
at 10:00 P. M. for "High Fidelity,"
designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,
the refreshing drink in the green bottle
with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
Tune in next week for another
series of classical music programs with
the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
JURY GETS DRUNK
DRIVING CASE HERE
MAN IS FATALY SLAIN
NIGHT SCHOOL TO HEAR PEST TALK
FROM PRISON FARM
SUES BRIDE OF 4 MOUTHS
TWO HUNDRED GUESTS ESCAPE HALF GLAD
SHOWS DROP HERE
SANTA ROSA MAN DENIES
HE COMMITED SUICIDE IN
SOUTH SAN FRANCISCO
ENRAGED COW INJURES
FARMER WITH AX
SENATE PASSES DEATH PENALTY
Measure Provides For Electrocution For
All Persons Over 17
THUGS EAT THEN
SCENT FOUL PLAY IN DEATH
OF MAN FOUND BOUND AND GAGGED
DOG IN BED, ASKS DIVORCE
WILD WIFE LEAGUE
WILL MEET TONIGHT
BOY COOKS MUST
EAT OWN VITALS
BACHELORS PREFER BEAUTY
TO BRAINS IN THEIR WIVES
LOCAL MAN HAS
LONGEST HORNS IN ALL TEXAS
OFFICER CONVICTED OF
40 MEN ESCAPE WATERY GRAVES
WHEN VESSEL FLOUNDERS IN ALE
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